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LAUGHLINES
Give us something to laugh about
 Times are rough in America, but there's still plenty to smile about. What say you give us something to laugh about? This is a forum where you can post the best of the jokes you've heard from friends or circulating through viral emails. Share them on this forum and you may just have your submission posted as WND's JOKE OF THE DAY.
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It Ain't Like it Used to be
Posted by Twomiler on Feb 09, 2010 12:05
Our economy is so bad that...
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Jewish women are marrying for love.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
HotWheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss a Second Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally ....
Congress has forgotten all about Bernie Madoff. "What a piker!" they say to themselves. "He made $50 billion disappear? Big deal. That's what we did to $750 billion - and soon we'll do it to trillions!"
The president's reaction to our economic collapse? In his very best impersonation of Rhett Butler, he said:
"Frankly America, I don't give a damn"
My Favorites
Posted by Gill on Feb 09, 2010 10:01
Dear Lord, in 2009 you have taken away:
my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze,
my favorite actress, Bea Arthur,
my favorite news journalist, Walter Cronkite,
my favorite politician, Ted Kennedy,
my favorite animal personality, Gidget the Taco Bell Dog,
my favorite musician, Les Paul,
my favorite comedian, Dom DeLuise,
my favorite salesman, Billy Mays,
and my favorite athlete, Steve McNair.
I just wanted to let you know
- my favorite terrorist is Osama Bin Laden!!
A Little Girl's Walk
Posted by Gill on Feb 08, 2010 21:44
A little girl walked to and from school daily.
Though the weather one morning was questionable, and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky.
As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, and at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.
Another and another were to follow quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture."
Thirsty
Posted by Twomiler on Feb 08, 2010 05:20
An old man finally got 'round to goin' fishin' one morning but after a while ran out of worms. Then he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, The old man grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in his bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without gettin' bit.
He grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in the snake's mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp and the old man released him into the lake without incident, and carried on his fishin' with the frog.
Sometime little later the old man felt a nudge on his foot.
It was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
RATS. SHIP. SOME DISASSEMBLY REQUIRED
Posted by SK359551 on Feb 07, 2010 09:13
Of the things I never thought I'd hear myself say
this tops the list,
"Hillary Clinton would be a big improvement over
our curent president".
DEATH FROM ABOVE
Posted by SK359551 on Feb 06, 2010 16:55
Last tuesday Iran launched a rocket into orbit carrying a rat, two turtles and some worms. Undisclosed sources tell us that all the occupants were wearing tiny little explosive belts...The first Persian MIRV!
Joke Base
Posted by 1STSGT on Feb 06, 2010 12:28
1. What do you say to a one legged hitchhicker? Hop In
2. What do you say to a hitchhicker with no legs? Need a Lift.
3. What do you call a good looking Italian? Lucky.
4. Did you hear about the lucky Polish fisherman? He married a girl with worms.
5. What do you call four Lepers in a whirlpool? Porridge.
6. Why did the Lepers quit playing hockey? Too many faceoffs.
7. Why did the Lepers quit playing poker? Everyone threw in his hand.
8. What's the last thing to go thru a Bug's mind when it hits your windshiend? His butt.
9. What are the two biggest lies? 1. I love you. 2. The check is in the mail.
10. What is the newest big lie? It's just a cold sore.
11. What is the difference between true love and herpes? One last forever.
PS: If it weren't for the last minute.....A lot of things woundn't get done.
Doctor's Convention
Posted by 1STSGT on Feb 06, 2010 11:05
At a doctor's convention in switzerland, a conversation was taking place in a tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture.
The Jewish doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
The German doctor said ,"Ghats nothing, in Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced the we take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "Ha ha, we took a black *** out of Chicago, put it in the white house and half the country was looking for work the next day."
Maxine For President 2012
Posted by 1STSGT on Feb 05, 2010 11:34
It's "...one nation UNDER GOD..." or bite my skinny butt an leave!
If you must burn our flag, please wrap it around yourself first.
***
Maxine on "Lawn Care""The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
Maxine on "Technology Revolution""My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Maxine on "Aging""Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."
Don't let aging get you down, It's to hard to get back up!
If you woke up breathing, congratlations! you have another chance.
"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."
"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals."
"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."
"To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."
"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?"(Now that's scary!)
"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."
"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere....you may be dead."
Obama One-liners
Posted by Twomiler on Feb 05, 2010 09:05
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
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America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
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Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
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Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
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Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
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If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
.... America !
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Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
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