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5th grader smarter than elected gaggle
Posted by reconstituted on Nov 21, 2009 18:42

%th grade teacher discussing healthcare bill with students. Concensus was made the bill possibly had opposition because it had the label " Obamacare". Students suggested the bill be called something other than Obomacare. little Johnny won the selection for "Garage Sale " The logic being people who want to get rid of unwanted and useless items with no buyer recourse have a "Garage sale "

[title]
Posted by Gill on Nov 20, 2009 13:25

People never say "It’s only a game" when they’re winning.

===

When my husband and I relocated to New York City, we were excited about exploring Manhattan on weekends. Armed with tourist maps and guidebooks, we headed towards Broadway in our car. As we neared our destination, we slowed to find a parking space, but the many signs spelling out the regulations confused us. Apparently we were not the only ones who found the instructions unclear. There, on a city sign at the end of one block, was plainly printed: No Parking, Not Five Minutes, Not 30 Seconds, Not At All.

===

While visiting an inner-city school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.

Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.

A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, "Please, sir, may we have our counselor back?"

===

On a crisp fall afternoon, my four-year-old son was helping rake leaves in the front yard of our farmhouse. I glanced up just in time to see a flock of geese flying over and pointed out how they flew in a formation shaped like a V.

He patiently watched them as they disappeared over the horizon and then turning to me and asked, "Do they know any other letters?"

===

The problem with today's society is this mentality:

Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrow money to do it with.

===
***
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Woman cleaning fish at sink to angler husband: "Why can't you be like the rest of the men? They never catch anything."

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A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother, it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".

"You would say, 'Yes Sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said.

To quiz him on his lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"

"Yes Sir!" was the reply

"Then what would you say to Mama?"

"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"

He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

RE: Wrong Female
Posted by 1STSGT on Nov 20, 2009 13:19

> WRONG Female

> The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

> The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train a gain, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

> She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

> An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong female out the window."

Good Sportsmanship
Posted by WXRGina on Nov 19, 2009 21:45

Coach Jones called little Bobby in from center field during a Little League game to have a talk with him.

"See here, Bobby," said the coach, "You know the principles of good sportsmanship that the Little League practices. You also know we don't tolerate temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir," replied Bobby.

"Well, then Bobby," sighed Coach Jones, "would you please try to explain it to your mother?"

A Miracle!
Posted by WXRGina on Nov 19, 2009 21:44

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It's a miracle!”

“Not really,” said the cow, “Your name is written inside the cover.”

FREE KITTENS
Posted by suze13 on Nov 19, 2009 14:44

Little Mary Pat had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them.

Suddenly a long line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front..

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. It was President Obama.

'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked.

'Kittens' Little Mary Pat says. 'They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet.'

'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.

'Democrats' says Little Mary Pat.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity, President Obama called his Press Manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Mary Pat is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the 'FREE KITTENS' sign and the long motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN
but no FOX for some reason...

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, President Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Mary Pat.

'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'

'Yes sir,' Mary Pat said, 'The are all REPUBLICAN kittens.'

Taken by surprise, President Obama said, 'But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS.'

Little Mary Pat says, 'Yes, I know.. But today, they have their eyes open.'

Newspaper Headlines
Posted by Yankee Doodle S on Nov 18, 2009 18:02

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist for The New York Times and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have if any?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Two Horses
Posted by Texan50 on Nov 18, 2009 15:29

A blonde inherited a Texas ranch from a deceased relative. After going to Texas to see the ranch, she decided to keep it. She loved everything about, but she had one problem: there were two horses so similar in appearance that she couldn't tell them apart.

At the suggestion of a friend she tried a number of methods for telling the horses apart. She bobbed off one's tail, but a sharp stick accidentally bobbed off the other horse's tail. And so things continued, every time she tried a new method for telling them apart something would happen to make the other horse match. Finally her friend suggested she try measuring the horses.

"That's a good idea," said the blonde "I'll do that right away."

The next time the friend happened to run into the blonde, she asked her "Did you measure the horse?"

"Yes, I can tell them apart now," replied the blonde "the black horse is two hands taller than the white horse."

Stand and Be Counted
Posted by WXRGina on Nov 18, 2009 12:26

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick, and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently, "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty. The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

Name Change is Good!
Posted by WXRGina on Nov 18, 2009 12:23

Once her divorce was final, Sharon went to the local department of motor vehicles and asked to have her maiden name reinstated on her driver's license.

"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk asked.

"No," Sharon replied.

"Oh, good!" she said, clearly delighted, "You got the house."