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A Priest , Minister And A Rabbi
Posted by proud liberal on Feb 05, 2010 08:59

A priest , minister and Rabbi were all good friends.
One day, they decided that each of them would put their preaching ability to a test.
They would each go out into the woods and preach to a bear, hoping to convert it.
First, the minister went out. The next day, he came back with a bear in tow. He decalred exultantly "Praise be the Lord !" With the help of the almighty,I preached the gospel to this beast, and I was able to convert him. He will be a member of my congregation from now on"!
The next day, the priest came back with another bear.
"Through the help of our God, I was able to pray for this beast, and prayed the rosary over him. Then I read the cathechism to him, and by a miracle of our Lord, he has decided to convert to Catholicism, and become a member of my parish"!
The next day, the Rabbi came back. But he was terribly bruised and scratched, and he was covered with bandages.
The other two were aghat and asked what on earth had happened. The Rabbi declared "Well, everything was going fine until I started the circumcision".

scott brown seated to senate
Posted by ronron on Feb 04, 2010 13:25


"Once we get his BIRTH certificate, we expect to swear him in thursday afternoon as early as 5 o'clock, which is earlier than he suggested," Jim Manley, spokesman for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev.

Shhhh!
Posted by suze13 on Feb 04, 2010 11:32

Shhhh!

On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate. The man said something; and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.

Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. Then he signed, very small and slowly: "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

Bagpiper
Posted by 1STSGT on Feb 04, 2010 10:55

This is a beautiful story of a bagpiper who was late for a funeral.

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and - being a typical man- did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, “Sweet Jayzuz, Mary 'n Joseph! I’ve never seen nothin' like that before and I've been puttin’ in septic tanks for twenty years.”

A Texan in Heaven
Posted by Texan50 on Feb 04, 2010 10:51

[You're right that is what I meant, I always read what I meant not what I wrote. - Texan50] [☺]

A Texan died and went to heaven. When he reached the pearly gates, St. Peter offered to show him around. The Texan gladly accepted the offer, and St. Peter showed him a large and beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.

"We've got ranches bigger and better than that in Texas," the Texan remarked.

St. Peter then showed him people enjoying themselves frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, riding bikes etc.

"We've somethin' better than that too," the Texan remarked again "we call it Six Flags."

And so it went throughout the day; nothing compared to the fields of Bluebonnets, the Cattle, or the Football teams of Texas.

Finally St. Peter was fed up with the Texan, he took him to a place where he could see the flames of Hell with fire and smoke billowing everywhere. "You got anything like that in Texas?" he demanded.

Unfazed the Texan replied "Nope, but I know a couple ole boys in Houston that could put it out for ya,"

Posted by Gill on Feb 04, 2010 10:07

One of the many funny stories told about President George Bush concerns a visit he once made to an old people's home. After speaking to a few of the residents, the president asked of one old lady, "Do you know who I am?"

"No" came the snappy reply, "but I'm sure if you ask at reception they'll be able to tell you."

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Q: Why are robots never afraid?

A: Because they have nerves of steel.

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No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth.

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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

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A school kid asks his teacher, "It is true that the law of gravity keeps us on Earth?"

The teacher says, "Yes"

The kid then asks, "What kept us before the law was passed?"

===

It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date. They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand. Jim and Danielle realized that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote control?"

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How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?

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One tree can make a million matches, and it takes only one match to destroy a million trees.

Here's Your Change
Posted by Twomiler on Feb 04, 2010 05:41

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would
have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.
This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have
to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach
this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

Texas Beer Joint Sues A Church
Posted by Yankee Doodle S on Feb 03, 2010 14:56

In a small Texas town, Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business.
The local Baptist church began a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork...
At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork, that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

Posted by 1STSGT on Feb 03, 2010 10:40

Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.

“What is your name?” – asked the teacher.

“Mohammed”. . ... – answered the kid.

“You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny,” –replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. “How was your day, Mohammed?” – asked his mother.

“My name is not Mohammed. I’m in America and now my name is Johnny.”

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!” – and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he too beat him.

The next day Mohammed returned to school.

When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, “What happened to you Johnny"?

“Well ma'am, 6 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs.”

Driver's Ed
Posted by Twomiler on Feb 03, 2010 05:28


Two bowling teams, one of blondes and one of all brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level.

The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"