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For A Free People

They Walk Amoung Us
Posted by 1STSGT on Nov 17, 2009 17:16

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***
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While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!!

WORST OF ALL....THEY VOTE!!!!!!!

Posted by Gill on Nov 17, 2009 15:33

I never use the words Democrats and Republicans. It's Liberals and Americans.

~ James Watt, Ronald Reagan's Interior Secretary

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"The reason a lot of people do not recognize opportunity is because it usually goes around wearing overalls looking like hard work."

~ Thomas Edison

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Hope is the ability to hear the music of the future.

Faith is having the courage to dance to it today.

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"Can anyone tell me," asked the teacher, "why the Middle Ages are often called the Dark Ages?"

Sally raised her hand and shouted, "Because they had so many knights?"

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Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it.

Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want, and their kids pay for it.

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Once, after a long, hard week, I leaned my head on my husband’s shoulder and sighed, “Let’s run away together.”

“We did,” he replied, “and this is where we ended up.”

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Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Who's the worst?
Posted by ch153657 on Nov 16, 2009 11:17

True story: when a young mother had just finished her Bible reading with her two children, the six-year-old girl said to her four-year-old brother proudly, "Jezebel was the worst woman in the world!"

"Nope," replied her brother defiantly, "Nancy Pelosi is."

Words of Comfort
Posted by WXRGina on Nov 16, 2009 07:16

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Blonde Intelligence
Posted by 1STSGT on Nov 15, 2009 12:06

There was this Blonde who just got sick of all the Blonde jokes. So, one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb Blonde joke.

She interrupted him with a shrill announcement. I've had it up to here with your Blonde jokes. I want you to know that this Blonde went home last night and did something probably non of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals.

One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N", she answered.

Tips From The Redneck Book of Manners
Posted by 1STSGT on Nov 14, 2009 11:29

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

Entertaining In Your Home

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog (or your best pig) to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'

Weddings

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
***

Driving Etiquette

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Posted by Gill on Nov 14, 2009 09:27

You go on vacation to forget things, and opening your suitcase proves it.

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When I bought some fruit trees the nursery owner gave me some insects to help with pollination. They were free bees.

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Three souls appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

St. Peter asked the first one, "What was your last annual salary?"

The first soul replied, "$200,000; I was a trial lawyer."

St. Peter asked the second one the same question.

The soul answered, "$95,000; I was a realtor."

St. Peter then asked the third soul the same question.

The answer was "$8,000."

St. Peter immediately said, "Cool! What instrument did you play?"

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The original Bill of Rights proposed by Congress as an addition to the U. S. Constitution contained twelve, not ten, amendments. The two which failed to be ratified by the states were amendments to set the size of the House of Representatives and to prevent congressmen and senators from raising their own salaries.

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Be the person your dog thinks you are.

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A pastor I know of uses a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he enters a “find and replace” command into his word processor. The computer then finds the name of the deceased from the previous funeral and replaces it with the name of the deceased for the upcoming one.

Not long ago, the pastor told the computer to find the name “Mary” and replace it with “Edna.” The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the congregation intoned the Apostles’ Creed. “Jesus Christ,” they read from the preprinted program, “born of the Virgin Edna.”

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The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

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While visiting my sister in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown. Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster and I couldn't reach it. The woman next in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in and fished out the piece of toast. "You must be an emergency worker," I joked.

"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."

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Some things are hard to grasp.

Why do we play a round of golf, but we square dance?

Why does a business have to tell the truth about his product, but politicians can lie about each other?

Why does a can of dog food have more nutritional information on it than a jar of baby food?

Why are women's size 6 shoes smaller than a man's size 6 shoe?

Why do British drivers drive on the left side of the road and most others drivers in the world drive on the right side?

Why does it "rain cats and dogs" and not "catfish and bass"?

Test Paper Blunders
Posted by Gill on Nov 14, 2009 09:17

We all fail sometimes, but there's something about failing with style. Here are some of the best test paper blunders from the most clueless - and inventive - of students.


* Classical Studies *

Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.

Answer: Learning to speak Latin



* Biology *

Question: What is a fibula?

Answer: A little lie



* Classical Studies *

Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?

Answer: Suspicious ones



* Biology *

Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease.

Answer: Early death



* Biology *

Question: What is a plasmid?

Answer: A high definition television



* Physics *

Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.

Answer: Fire



* Geography *

Question: What does the term "lava" mean?

Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar



* Geography *

Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?

Answer: Malaria



* Geography *

Question: Name one famous Greek landmark.

Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse



* History *

Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?

Answer: At the bottom.

Special Mirror
Posted by 1STSGT on Nov 13, 2009 15:23

Legand has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth. one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, "Poof", you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never again to be seen again.

A Redhead of questionable looks, walks into the Ladies Room, and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world". "POOF" the mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large Brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." "POOF" the mirror swallows her.

Then, an absolutely gorgeous Blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." "POOF".

Posted by Gill on Nov 13, 2009 00:53

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

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Q: Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commercials that says "Not available in all states"?

A: Obama

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People who think they're out of this world always make you wish they were.

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Some people might object to filling out the part of our company's job application form that asks "Race." Not one guy. He responded, "Only on the interstate."

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A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?"

The student wrote: "This", signed it, and turned it in.

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People tend to forget their duties but remember their rights.

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Some things are just meant to go together: love and marriage, mom and apple pie, baseball and hot dogs, joy and happiness, grace and peace, mercy and forgiveness. These are but a few of the Siamese twins of rightness.

Other things just don't mix well: oil and water, cats and dogs, frogs and little girls, hate and love, rain and drought, war and peace, grace and hatred, honor and a fool.

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President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out:

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries."

Gordon Brown thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks:

"What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

"Come on Gordon," says Obama, "Tell us what it says."

"I can't! It's all in Arabic!"

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It was shortly before the election. Reporters seemed to be having trouble getting one candidate to give straight answers to questions. Finally they cornered him and demanded a straight response to any question, not necessarily even a political question. One reporter asked, "What is your favorite color? You can give us a straight answer to that, can't you?"

The candidate said, "Certainly. My favorite color is plaid!"

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Washington bureaucrats have finally figured out how to balance the budget. They're going to tilt the country.

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NOVEMBER (Elizabeth Coatsworth)

"November comes

And November goes,

With the last red berries

And the first white snows.



With night coming early,

And dawn coming late,

And ice in the bucket

And frost by the gate.



The fires burn

And the kettles sing,

And earth sinks to rest

Until next spring."